Darwin Never Worked At A Coffee Shop
'Tis a true statement. A nice sounding proverb - and more to it than meets the eye, once you look past the sweet phrasing. After all, if you think about it, Darwin, although he no doubt attended such fine Victorian equivalents of the Coffee Shop - especially, as all good Londoners did back then, to expound his theories - the great man HAD NEVER WORKED AT ONE.
As far as I know.
And right now, I'm too lazy to even 'wikipedia' the "great man" (if you believe my 17th Century British Lit prof last year).
But, I can surely state, that if Darwin HAD worked at such a coffee shop (especially one as wacked out as ours), he would never have created the idea of progressive evolution. For man, you will find after spending one day working at a coffee shop, is steadily devolving... not only in genetics (as discovered in recent years), or in physicality (looking at the obesity rates of children in America)... but also mentally and intellectually.
One high bred lady came to me one day, reeking of cigs and asked me politely where the ashtrays were.
I quickly looked her up and down (a casual way to decided what kind of customer type she fit into) and decided on "polished and relaxed"... so I went easy on her.
"I'm afraid we don't allow smoking on the patio," I replied to her question, with a mild air of apology. "It's not allowed anymore."
There was a small silence after this declaration. Then:
"So you have ashtrays?"
"No."
My opinion of her is dropping.
"No ashtrays."
"No ashtrays - because we don't allow smoking on the patio," I explain to her with the simplicity that I teach my seven year olds in Sunday School. (Yes, Brian, Jesus DOES love you...)
"Oh."
Oh. Yes. Is it sinking in?
It is.
She turns away - no longer polished and relaxed... rather... 'polished and disappointed'.
It went rather well, really...
I would like to say that this lady is only a small percentage of the Canadian population... but, it would be unjust and a great disservice to her. At times like these, I am reminded of my stint as a telephone call center operater for a well-known pizza store chain.
The amount of people who did not know the address they were staying at... the amount of people who thought it was a sex line... the amount of people who mixed their area code with their postal code...
Stupidity in this world is probably the largest epidemic - if not the largest - it is up there with lung cancer and drunken driving accidents...
Incidents like these are rarely topped. The only other time I shook my head over the bizarreness of other people - was when a man asked for a double-double - without the sugar.
What You Don't See, You Don't Get
It goes without saying that in this commercialized, rat-race, technological, consumer-driven culture, that Demand has become the great god of all time. I know Neil Gaiman's family from the Sandman chronicles covers alot of the important pieces of human psyche - but I think Demand should have been slotted in there somewhere. Perhaps a foster child of Desire? At any rate, Demand is what drives everything.
Look at the emo culture, or the goth culture, or even the anime cultures - all subcultures which have slowly been adopted into main stream for society's commercial benefit.
But before I really become my popular culture prof, I should get on with the tale. For this tale is a sad tale - almost as depressing as Lemony Snicketts, really.
Except Jim Carrey was funny, and there was no comedian around to laugh at in this situation.
It's Demand.
Demand is there when our customers peruse our board for the tenth time in a row and then approach me with the age old question, "Do you have hamburgers?"
I blink at them, looking past the long line of cappuccino, latte and smoothie chits. I look past the small shelving unit atop the large spacious barista - I look past all this into puzzled, worried - and demanding eyes.
"Hamburgers?"
"Hamburgers, fries... you know... regular fast food stuff."
I blink at their huffiness.
"No," I reply with finality. "Sorry," I add belatedly, remembering my minimal customer service training.
"Nothing like that?"
"Nothing like that," I mimic back, hoping that they'll get the message sometime in this millenium.
"I see..."
They shuffle away - sometimes out the door. I'm glad to see their backs because I'm busy - somewhere between two lattes (one decaf), three cappucinos and one smoothie and a sundae. A waffle chit is printing out now as I pour the espresso into the cups....
Didn't they look at the board?
How many times has this happened before?
How long before it will happen again?
Isn't it apparent that this Coffee Shop only sells wine, beer, chilled drinks, specialty hot drinks, regular hot drinks, sandwiches, salads and a couple of homely entrees? There is no small print to read between the "meat lasagna" and "chicken pot pie" that mentions 'hamburgers' or 'fries'.
Whenever they ask me, they look so hopeful - as if I have the magical ability to instate some sort of frier in the place to cook up some good ol' McDs. As if my manager had stashed the deep fryer in some distant storage room - ready to be pulled out and used at moment's notice for those people who need a taste of Harveys.
Alas, it is not to be, folks.
We do not serve hamburgers, french fries or hot dogs.
We do not have a deep frier.
We do not have beer on tap.
We do not mix pina coladas or margueritas.
What you do not see, you do not get - because we do not have it.
It is a simple equation, really. You just have to think about it for a couple of minutes. Nevertheless, they still come in - young and old, short and tall, thin and fat... asking the same old questions. Asking in the same old way for the same old thing that they will never get.
This activity among human kind makes me wonder what goes on in their heads. What has induced them to think that we as their servers are hiding our produce? (Although more than once I have desired to stash away the waffle maker and forget about it.)
Perhaps one day, I will stroll into our local spaghetti restaurant and ask for sushi. Perhaps one day, I will be part of those masses who eternally want, what they obviously cannot have.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment